I’ve learned a lot about myself over the last couple of years. One thing in particular is that I’m a do-er. I’m not a brain-stormer. I’m the person in a creative meeting who’s always thinking, “that’s a great idea, but how are we gonna do it?” I have some incredible colleagues who do their best work at the 50,000 foot view of ideas and possibilities. I am at my best at sea level cranking out a “to do” list.
I seem to want that when it comes to knowing my future too.
I wrote in a recent blog about feeling “empty-handed.” This first half of 2015 has seemed like a constant stream of letting go.
In January, I turned 35 and let go of my idea of “where I thought I’d be at 35.” There’s something about those years divisible by 5 that seem to be mile markers for me.
Then in March, I felt it was time to finally face that “skeleton” in my closet, my fear of climbing Stone Mountain. I conquered it, I let go of it’s power. I also let go of very precious marbles representing years of shattered dreams.
Last month, as it came time to put my house on the market, a house that holds 10 years of memories for me, including most of my marriage, quite honestly I was just tired of letting go.
I was lamenting over my seemingly empty hands recently to a wise friend when she said to me, “Melissa, perhaps it’s time for you to ask God for a new vision.”
Vision. There’s that 50,000 foot view again. Sigh.
I felt exhilaration at what “could be” and sheer terror at how I was going to “get there” all at the same time.
I wish I could say that as I began to ask God to show me what was next, that his answer was immediate, that it was everything I could ever dream it could be, that it came wrapped in cotton candy and tied with a big pretty bow. I wish I could say that He showed me a great big picture of what the rest of my life holds (or at least a 10-year plan).
Instead, I reluctantly began to pray for a new vision. Honestly it was more of a complaint session, turned into a wrestling match. I kept telling God what I wanted, that I wanted to see what was ahead; I kept getting silence and a reminder that I am to walk by faith, not by sight.
So, I literally got on my knees beside my bed one night and I laid out everything before my God, my entire life, everything I hold precious, every hope, every dream. I was so desperate to hear from Him that I was willing to let go of anything.
It was not easy, but it was honest.
And it was freeing.
And weeks later, it led to the next step I needed to take.
And just last week, yet another.
This do-er is gaining clarity on what’s ahead.
It’s a one step at a time kind of clarity.
I’ll take it.
“Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase.” ~Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
I know eventually I’ll look back to see the whole staircase.
For now, I climb and trust my Great God for the journey.
Dearly loved, stair-steppin’,
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