I’m sitting here next to my best friend Casey who has been such a rock for me this past year. I am so very grateful. It’s about an hour before the clock strikes midnight and that day I’ve dreaded for an entire year is upon me. It seems so surreal.
I had hoped to have something profound to blog. Honestly, as I have written before, I’ve got nothin’. I’m spent. My mind is in a million places and none of them make sense. My heart is so heavy.
But one thing I have learned first hand this past year is that when I come to the end of myself, God shows up in ways I could never ask or imagine.
He brought me to these verses, which I’ve been camping out in this week, Psalm 18:1-6:
I love you, LORD, my strength.
The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
I called to the LORD, who is worthy of praise,
and I have been saved from my enemies;
The cords of death entangled me;
the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.
The cords of the grave coiled around me;
the snares of death confronted me.
In my distress I called to the LORD;
I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice;
my cry came before him, into his ears.
Folks keep asking what I’m going to do on this one year anniversary. Here’s my best answer…
I will recognize the day as a horribe nightmare I lived through, a day I will never forget. I will remember the almost unbearable pain over the immeasurable, irreplaceable loss of the love of my life, my Tony.
And yet, I will raise my arms to heaven and proclaim loudly to my God…
I’m still standing.
I’m still standing. And it is all because of You, Jesus.
I’ve gotten so many comments, so many questions this year about how and why I could turn to God given my tragic circumstances.
My question back is how could I not?
Psalm 18:30-33 continues:
As for God, his way is perfect:
The LORD’s word is flawless;
he shields all who take refuge in him.
For who is God besides the LORD?
And who is the Rock except our God?
It is God who arms me with strength
and keeps my way secure.
He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
he causes me to stand on the heights.
Dearly loved, still standing,
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