“How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart” ~ Psalm 13:2
I read these verses this morning. It was perfect timing because it so describes my current state.
I so desperately want to feel “normal” again. I so desperately don’t want to be sad anymore.
I realized last week that I was acting as if I was racing toward the 1 year mark, so badly wanting it to come and go. It was as if I mistakenly thought that March 24th would come and somehow I would miraculously go back to my old self…my old happy self.
I wish I could say that old self was happy and carefree. Happy, yes, but carefree, not so much. And really, I didn’t have any excuse not to be. Before tragedy struck, my life was just plain good…an amazing husband, loving family, plenty of resources with a good job, and lots of friends. Who could ask for anything more?
Yet, I can recount plenty of nights around the dinner table with Tony where I would find something to complain about. Tony would lovingly remind me, “Melissa, if that is our biggest worry in the world, then life is pretty good.”
Now, I can’t imagine complaining about petty things like work tension, or a hurtful word from so and so, or not having enough margin in our budget to buy a new outfit or go out to eat. Typically, the only time I would change my tune was when some horrible disaster struck like it did in Japan. Then, I’d feel guilty, shed a few tears, give money. And, as soon as the tragedy began to disappear from the news headlines, I’d be back to my old ways.
I could almost hate myself for acting that way now.
So as much as I am ready to be done with grieving, I don’t want to wish it away before it changes me…for good. As much as I want to despise the term “new normal,” I pray I embrace it for the new lenses on life it brings.